I suck at being pregnant 37 week update and post melt down blog

I’m just coming down from a quite emotional and HORMONAL moment that started escalating this afternoon at my midwife appointment. The appointment that wouldn’t end is another name for it.

And it seems this time of day, 4-6pm is the hardest time of day for my pregnant body and mind. Isn’t it also ‘witching’ hour for babies? Dalton never had that, he was so happy and chill, probably because I was, which is probably because I didn’t carry him and have any physical pains or symptoms.

So my appointment that went on and and on just kept triggering me more and more. AT this point, I’m days away from being 37 weeks, which seems like more than enough weeks to grow a human now that I’m actually doing it. And I’d been up and around all day, hardly at home after taking Dalton to day care, I went on my normal walk which is about an hour, and FEELS like I ran 20 miles in the rain with soggy shoes (no actually that sounds better than how this feels…..) Then I went to a massage appointment, so you’d think oh how nice and relaxing, and it was while I was there, except for the part when I sneezed and it felt like my stomach was ripping open.

Seriously though it’s the moving from a couch to standing up, to putting on shoes, to going to the bathroom AGAIN before and in between doing anything, driving here or there, walking my body around it just feels so HEAVY.

By the time I got to my midwife appointment i just wanted to be home laying on my side in that ONE position on my pregnancy pillow. But no, it drug out and had all kind of fun facts including:

• Learning I gained 5 pounds since last Friday (what?!)

• Letting myself be talking into heart rate monitoring for the babe because “I”m old”

• Them forgetting to do a test so I needed to go back into my room

• Them forgetting I was in this room while the heater turned on and blasted hot dry stale air right at my head

• Going straight to get dalton while feeling like peeing my pants

• Getting dalton home and him proceeding to SCREAM at me because he grass fed organic burger broke in half and his gluten free bun crumbled and he didn’t WANT the pickles anymore and basically eating only the broken bread and then wanting MY applesauce I just made for me.

I then lost it completely and came to where I am now, in Dalton’s room aka my room during pregnancy for sleeping and meditating and hiding and quiet. And now that my hormones have mellowed just a little I’m wondering WHY am I having such a hard time with all of this?

Is it because I just simply HATE not feeling good in my body? I think yes for sure it’s a huge part of it. But even deeper than that, it’s what that means. You see for many years now, my IDENTITY has become one of a healthy person, even before I was completely ‘fertile’ I was healthy in all other ways, and my body happily responded to the things I did for it. I could run, walk, bend, do pilates, clean, work, take care of dalton, anything without aches or pains or feeling slow or like a fat large turtle.

Essentially all I do each day is that of a healthy person. How I eat, workout, think, work, what I talk about teach about, run courses about, do videos about. It’s about health and feeling good. And for the past almost 9 months it’s felt like I am NOT that girl. And most things I do don’t really just matter a whole lot. Which pisses me off majorly.

It feels like I’m a little kid throwing a tantrum. It’s not fair, and maybe my inner child is doing just that. A lot of this is hitting straight upon my shadow elements, the things I don’t want to be, or be associated with.

Such as being/feeling:

• FAT

• Lazy

• Slow

• Incapable

And the fact that even though I am eating super well and doing the best I can with exercise, it hurts, and my food apparently just wants to go to my thighs and belly and make love handles.

I don’t like naps, I think they are for tired people ( this is my shadow ps, I KNOW we are built differently and I know that projectors love naps more than Manifesting Generators) Actually that’s another point, I saw one of my former coaches who is an MG and on bed rest for a bit talking about how hard it was, because we are built to MOVE and MOVE and MOVE fast. So it has felt like for almost a year that I am not ME. That I don’t DO the things during the day or in ways I want to that are ME. It’s like someone else has taken over my body, or pregnancy has, and I am trapped in it and unable to live my life.

This may sound dramatic but it’s as real as I can portray it to you. This has been so hard. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m just done, I need to meet my baby and see him so he feels real to me.

I started going to therapy and thank GOD because she completely gets me, and had her own personal experience with IVF. And that’s where most of this is coming from, my past that was never dealt with. So yes, while I figured out how to heal my ENTIRE physical body and enable it to become fertile, I didn’t look at the emotions that got trapped back then YEARS ago.

The feelings of being told I just couldn’t do it, that my body wouldn’t have a baby without IVF, that it/I was incapable, to which my mind interpreted as broken, bad, you suck at being a woman. Then there was the immense vulnerability that comes with being in that position and not knowing that I actually had the power the whole time to choose another story. So in my most vulnerable state, those emotions locked straight in.

One doctor also told me while I was laying on the table seconds away from our FIRST embryo transfer that if I did get pregnant from that transfer that my symptoms would get WORSE and I couldn’t imagine them getting worse at that point, where I had two ovaries swollen to the size of grapefruits and felt like a fluid filled bag sort of like now.

The whole IDENTITY of being a mom was just programmed as hard/scary/I’m bad at that so hello guess what happens when you get pregnant but your mind is still running those old beliefs? It is really hard.

So that’s what I’m working on with my therapist, I definitely should have gone during IVF and way before now but it is what it is. And I’m so glad for the support.

I don’t really have much more to say in this blog other than, if you are struggling in your pregnancy, look at WHY, ask some more questions, and also IT IS REALLY HARD and you are doing a good job even if you cry everyday like me.

I still believe I’ll love my baby the instant I see him and meet him. I know I will come out of this, I know the end is soon, and still I just really can mostly only lay down on my back with 1,000 pillows or on my side and move from bathroom to bathroom.

I don’t know how other women feel, most don’t talk about this much, sort of like when I did IVF, I wanted to talk about it because no one else around me was. It’s happening everywhere all day everyday. Infertility, fertility, adoptions, surrogates, gestational carriers, all kinds of reproductive technologies, all kinds of natural herbs, modalities and remedies too, food is medicine, etc.

If you’re a mom, you are a HERO. You have run the hero’s journey that is ‘about’ 9 months long. You need an award, and we’re not even talking about all you do AFTER that baby pops out.

I will feel like a hero when it’s officially over, even though I didn’t run a fast strong race. AND I will happily hang up my pregnancy shoes because #oncewasenoughforme

If you are the praying kind, I ask for your prayers, for a peaceful, (quick) end of pregnancy and delivery. For myself and for Dash, for all the nurses, midwives, doulas involved to know exactly what to do and to just hold us in the energy of health and happy thoughts.

I believe that works. I believe it works when I shift toward that finish line too.

So while I wanted to be doing so many other things in and for my business at the end of this year and decade, what I can do, and what I have to do is REST and slow down and take care of my body and my mind. I know there will be a time for all I dream and see and that there have been many lessons during this year, and not all of them have been concluded yet.

So I am where I am, right now, on my bed typing this letter, mostly to me, for me so I can remember and see how much I grow from this. And to just be honest. I think that’s all we can be - real and tell the truth.

The truth now is, I thought I could have an easy pregnancy because I was healthy, but healthy really means WHOLE BODY, mind, emotions, spirit and physicality. And I just had more healing to do than I realized. So I can stop feeling bad I didn’t succeed at loving pregnancy or feeling good mostly at all during it and just let it be. I am done analyzing. I am done wondering, I am done worrying. I am just here, very BIG in my opinion and that’s that. Soon enough, the time will be here. And I will be so so happy on that day to officially join the “I DID IT I”M DONE BEING PREGNANT CLUB” (is that a club? I think yes.)

Good night, sweet dreams and maybe I”ll go into labor tonight….