It's FAITH that moves mountains, not you with a jackhammer
Detachment is the answer. Detachment is the key. Releasing from what you SEE so that you Universe can do its thing, which is already in process and in progress but WE are the ones slowing things down.
I just ate lunch and then meditated. I haven’t been, and I miss it. I miss the feeling of separating from separation. I don’t mean to separate, but it’s easy to do in the physical realm, to just look around and see what you see and think that’s all there is, but that is a sad explanation for sure.
When I was in the swing of meditation I would always start with this intention, as I just now have done today, “My intention is to detach.”
I ask to be assisted in detaching from my body, from the physical so that I can’t feel my body, so I can’t know I’m sitting on my bed with a pillow on my lap, so that I can tune into oneness and all that is and then be connected with God, with source, with the energy of the divine.
And I’m happy to report I was able to get there in my first session back, I think because I have felt very groggy and almost drowsy today. So much that I had to get off the treadmill at the gym this morning because it was all just too much. Too loud, too many people, ESPECIALLY too many people yelling at other people making them run, and then jump off treadmills and lay on the floor and do ab work the ENTIRELY wrong way, I DO KNOW this for sure. I’m still worrying about all of their back strain…..
But today I have felt a little in slow motion, very much calmer after this revelation that came through FINALLY yesterday, last night and then this morning when I sat with it in my journal, in my sauna.
These words, used so often but how understood in their power are they?
Last night I had had enough. Struggling to feel like anything, any area of my life was where I have kept trying to make it go and be. And this thought manifested itself through me:
Do you REALLY believe that the Universe Has Your Back?
And of course, the answer was NO.
In theory I had been of course. I “get” logically all of these things, these words, these ways of life as they are in existence, but I have not been living them, or feeling them or allowing them to show me how it actually really is supposed to be.
I was tired.
I was so so so tired.
To make things work, and my mom’s words came back to me in a flash. (I had asked her about my worst quality this past summer when I was reading The Dark Side of the Light Chasers) and she told me, CONTROL.
Control is the truth. (had been my thing.)
I have tried to control EVERYTHING since I was less than 8 years old.
My ponytail NOT having bumps in it.
My bed NOT having wrinkles in it.
My closet NOT being messy, and of course all the hangers the right direction.
The table pushed over here.
The chairs over there.
The pillows just like this.
I’m not exactly sure how this all came about and I don’t need to go looking and digging more than to understand that somewhere in my early life I got the impression that I would not be loved if I wasn’t perfect.
If I wasn’t a good girl.
If I didn’t do it RIGHT.
And I haven’t been able to shake this sucker until NOW, and even NOW I know it’s a practice, but I can very clearly SEE what needs to be practiced in order to live in the way I wish to live, which is in a state of SURRENDER, Love and FAITH.
One of my favorite favorite books, Gabby Bernstein’s “The Universe has your back.”
I’m sure I have even given it to others as advice. You don’t have to do it all, you are being guided, and loved and supported. But I didn’t allow myself to have that love.
This is what happens when you are a control freak.
You can’t rest. You can’t let go. You can’t not KNOW what the plan is, what is happening, and all the moving pieces and parts of this and that and every single thing and its:
And then you can only take so much, and then you BREAK.
You might yell, or freak out, or scream, or throw something.
Or you binge. You eat, or maybe you workout AGAIN because you have to DO SOMETHING.
Or you are a bitchy bitch to people you probably like and love.
Today I sat with this truth. The Universe Has MY Back.
I always could believe it for and about YOU. Anyone really but me.
Do you KNOW what this means?
Get ready Merry Christmas, this is good:
YOU ARE LOVED WITHOUT END.
You are always supported, guided and never alone.
Your desires are meant for YOU.
God and the Universe say YES to your dreams, yes or something BETTER.
But you have to let them run the show.
You have to let them be in charge.
You have to not KNOW the way it will be.
You have to have FAITH, that it’s not all on you.
FAITH. This word, what it means is NO JOKE.
It’s HUGE actually. It’s intense. You know how in the Bible it says, Faith moves mountains?
Well news flash sunshine. YOU don’t have to move all the mountains, you don’t even have to know where they all are and what they are and how it’s going to happen. LOVE moves the mountains when you hold onto FAITH.
Of course my whole entire life has not been completely tightly wound, just a lot of it lol.
This is ONE area I know for sure that I have activated, used, and leaned on FAITH so big and so hard because it is this ONE AREA where I have healed my body, I learned to let go, and what I got was the best, most beautiful gift I have EVER EVER received.
Yes it’s Dalton.
If you have anything going on with your body, your health, your energy, your fertility, your dreams of having a family, listen to me.
It isn’t supposed to be so hard.
We PUSHED, POKED, PRODDED, INJECTED, CRIED, SOBBED, HID, YELLED, and STRUGGLED for over 5 years, I was going to write 8 but that actually isn’t true, because toward the end I of course learned this lesson which was WHY we got a different outcome.
ALL of my IVF journey hurt and was pushy and not in the realm of surrender. It was “I’m going to make this happen.”
It’s literally forcing your body to do things. To TURN OFF an entire endocrine system of reproductive hormones and then TURN THEM BACK on with drugs, needles and medicine.
By the way my body hated this.
And that pushy, forcing, make it happen feeling carried over into all of my life. More so that I felt punished and alone, (like the universe did not have my back). But I didn’t know that my God was just trying to show me that the journey to this beautiful “thing” that I wanted, and whatever it is that you want, for your body, your health, or a baby HAS to be the good part.
It was good because I learned. Once I let go of course.
And that’s exactly what happened.
5 days before our 5th scheduled IVF embryo transfer, I sat on my couch, staring straight ahead and said to myself, and then my husband. I can’t do this anymore. There has to be a better way. And then I emailed our doctors to tell them we weren’t coming. And that was it, not we’ll come back in a few months or anything. Just we are NOT coming.
I had ZERO plan.
I had ZERO notes.
I had ZERO ideas.
I finally had my FAITH back.
Because I did always know that I would have a baby. I did always know that he or she would arrive. And I finally had peace that I didn’t know how, wouldn’t know how at least right now, and that I was actually just VERY VERY glad to not know. I could finally relax and trust. And allow.
I just let it all go. With no agenda of my own or any kind of timeline.
And then of course the ways came for me to see food, and drugs and chemicals and learn about my liver and focus on my work and heal and yes rebalance all of my hormones NATURALLY. With only FOODS as my tool. To lift the fog of depression and anxiety and to feel like myself again. Happy again.
I’ll fast forward a few years to make these final points.
It was only in SURRENDER and holding FAITH that my way was shown to me.
It was NOT in a way I thought or expected. (AKA even my OWN BODY)
Isn’t it funny though?
That when I tried and pushed and pulled myself in all these ways to make it happen, not only did it NOT happen but it hurt me. I hurt myself and struggled unnecessarily.
And when I let it alllllllll go……..
I was able to stand in a hospital, next to my sister, first, to see a little flash of light when an embryo was naturally (no drugs used) transferred to her body to take care and love FOR ME.
And then 9 months and 1 week later, to stand by her one more time, and to have the doctor and a bunch of female nurses, all of us sobbing, hand me this baby boy, beautiful. Perfect. BIG. crying, just looking for his mama after being frozen for four years, and then in the neighborhood of me for almost another.
I didn’t have a baby bump.
I didn’t feel a kick.
I didn’t have a labor pain (ok well I did have severe stomach cramps/pains that took me to the hospital floor when my niece was born and then a horrid migraine while my sister was in labor with Dalton) but beyond my empathy pain, nothing.
Sometimes I still feel guilty. Because I didn’t WORK HARD ENOUGH. I didn’t DO ENOUGH. I didn’t MAKE IT HAPPEN.
But actually I did.
With my FAITH.
With my HOPE.
With my LOVE.
And with my surrender that my God, and the Universe REALLY had my back, the whole entire time, and could see things that I could not see, that I had things I needed to learn, that my baby needed to come a different way, that he already had known this would be his way, even when we didn’t.
And this journey, was magic. Was perfectly timed. Was easy. Was healthy. Was good. And was all in love.
So this little note to you today is just my reminder that with EVERYTHING. You get to rest. You get to surrender, you get to detach. Yes you will have BIG things to do, but it’s NOT ALL ON YOU.
Let yourself find the support, the guidance, the path you need right now. And trust. Use your mountain moving FAITH. That there is a way, it’s already known, and you just have to be ready to move in the direction to receive.
I have 3 private 1:1 coaching spots open now, for you if you are a woman, dealing with stuff in your body and health that you don’t get, you don’t understand and have to be done with. This work is shifting whatever in your physical body is off/not flowing, helping you understand why your body is doing what it is right now, and helping you learn how to use foods, herbs and your emotional and spiritual side to align and come back into a state of flow with who you really are and all that you want.
It’s healing with foods, energy and mindset.
Send me a message, a DM or PM (lol) #internet if you want to connect.